Got a Stupid question? Ask Ape Fight!
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Official Home of APE FIGHT 
Who is the biggest asshole in the band?
That is a tricky one…Each member is a pretty big asshole, but if we need to pick the biggest…
I guess Don Ape(aka Big Prick, King Bastard)
…He is never an asshole to me, but the other guys always tell me he is to them.
Great question!
Which member is most likely to die first?
Hmm…Most would put money on Gamble…He does everything extra.
But if I were betting with my money I would go with M1…He smokes now and never sleeps.
Love,
Gamble
It does seem like you all get along. But, which member has the most annoying habit?
I’d have to go with myself. I tend to pretend I’m going to take a piss at rehearsal but really sneak as much drugs as I can into my system on those trips. I pretend none of the others know and I know that annoys them. I then go drink too much and get nothing done. Usual become a big dick head too. So yes, me.
Danny Beater
When are you guys going to play in LA?
I need to see this shit!
Sorry Tom! Just seeing this! Soon we hope! Fight!
you guys would be huge in Palm Springs. I can help with finding venues and you guys can even stay at my place . My wife hates you guys more than any of the other “shit” i listen to. Would be the greatest of all great things. Have 2 extra rooms and liqour store and dispensaries are half mile away.
has any one of you guys ever pooped on a flower?
Also-
Is Mr Gamble really dating Lindsay Lohan?
Also-
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it,
does it make a sound?
Probably, No and Yes. Thanks!! Fight! Just got this now!
ok… i have a medical question for dr. gamble or dr. don ape and anyother ape for that matter…. is it true that drinking and smoking pot of xanax is dangerous?
It definitely can be. Drinking is dangerous. Nothing beats 2 beers and a joint. Perfect high. Be careful and don’t do drugs.
what’s a “pot of xanax”?
inquiring minds want to know.
I hear that Don Ape is a mad scientist with a PHD in debauchery.
He should be able to clear this up.
Don Ape says,
Speaking of LA, It is quite true that there is a Don Ape impersonator running bits. He has been sited at Celebrity Golf tournaments and Playboy Mansion parties…I heard he is even starting a band. I would check his band out when you can; he sounds pretty cool.
Questions?:
-I’ve never pooped on a flower but I once farted in a florist shop.
-Gamble doesn’t date. He mesmerizes…
-Trees don’t care whether you hear them or not.
-Where have you been? Please refer to Bong Hits, Handjobs and Food for all your health care questions. I see xanax as food; so you’re in the clear.
I ALMOST got my PhD in debauchery…but I flunked out.
Hammer!
If you guys are so cool, as you say and think you are, how come none of your “best” friends, ever go to your shows or leave a message of support? You damn hairy apes should rally the troops. Where in the world is Seaweed Espo? or Chico Suarez? or Nice Game?
Pete the Hot Dog rules.
Our good freinds don’t come to shows because they are sick of us. Fair enough.
Although, a rally sounds fun.
Rally means cheerleaders, right?
And…Iacocca is a poor man’s Trump.
Hot Dogs are the poor man’s filet mignon.
And don’t bother Pete…he’s still trying to answer the first question.
Hammer!
i’m sorry i took the money… but they tied me up! they all tied me up!!! and they stuck me in a bathtub full of ketchup til i agreed to take it… lucky for me i love ketchup… u all suck!
despite all my trauma, i must say, u guys rock…. u may have a fan here
Thank u for all your support, it is greatly appreciated! Oh, and im willing to negotiate on a price for my hot dog if someone wants it…. Thank u all again
my sister tells me that u guys get her friend’s panties all in an uproar!- genius!
when is your next show?
March 3rd at Clash Bar in Clifton…tell you sister to bring her friend…Leave the panties home.
Fight the Fight!
all this food talk so i must add my 45 cents…. first of all, i just ate a freakin great chicken parm dinner from the one and only rudy’s bar and restaurant in cliffside park nj…. best calamari this side of the timeline…..secondly, hot dogs are great…..filet mignon is even greater…. but by far the greatest of them all is the white castle burger! perfect in every way….. i challenge anyone to a castle contest… more to come about that but please let us know if anyone wants to compete in one…. and lastly i agree with everything else that don ape said…and you should too…. he has infinite wisdom and u dont even know!
fight the fight!
sorry about your trauma, clam sauce… love your name though!
Who can dare challange the STEAK?
Not any of you pussies…
I’m sure of it.
ok – serious question –
who is the greatest set of tits and ass of all time?????
hey mick…. your mom!.. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Beside Micks Mom…As of today I would go with “Jessica Biel” (google her images) Of all time? I like “Sofia Loren” (http://www.sophialoren.com/) She is in her 70’s and still bangable
Fight the Fight!
I heard Jessica Biel takes it in the ape.
That hot bitch
FtF!
im all banged up still from last night, but what a night! my second 3-some this year so far! that aint donkey shit neither. so finally i leave a comment instead of just reading this page all the time. you apes should tour with tenacious d!!! can you make that happen? or how can i make that happen? please help us true fans.
fight the fight! and jessica beil’s ass!
What movie should I rent tonight?
you should rent “crank”. or if you know of a place that rents japanese movies, try to get “battle royale”. its basically all high school kids killing each other, in unique ways, til someone wins. good stuff. i hope this info helped someone in some way. fight the fight.
good stuff, douchebags-
fitz hume does not represent me in anyway. just for the record..
why are you trying to be me again? once again you slipped and fucked up so now just shut the fuck up. apefight does not need you.
I always like watching ‘Conan’
Try it in Spanish language mode. It’s stellar.
And I don’t know what the hell these other two are talking about…do you?
i wanna give a sincere apology to apefight for all fitz’ bullshit the other day. i have since mangled him and its about time. for the past two days i have been updating and studying all the newly released soviet-made timepieces constructed from 1988-1997, as this is one of my heart-felt hobbies. along with checking apefight’s intensely amazing website of course. let me know if anyone needs any info on a timepiece. one of my favorites is the RS-67/e4 model….the e3 is good too but the e4 model comes with a hidden switchblade for undercover spy work. fight the fight!
what drugs don’t you guys use?
hey do you know that a company called st. moritz stole your bassist’s name and named one of their watches after him.? it costs $100 too. look it up, its called the mens momentum M1. you should sue!
Why aren’t you guys huge?
Probably because our fathers aren’t huge…
hello apes. its your good friend austin back again with some news that will bring a smile to all your faces. hopefully. so, last week, while i was flipping through my latest issue of “communist watch” (its an underground timepiece magazine) i knew one of the russian broads that is selling some pieces, and i havent talked to her in a while, so once i mentioned to her about apefight and i played her some of your stuff, not only did i get laid, but she said she is totally willing to dance onstage with you guys while you play at some upcoming shows. she said she’d just wear little panties and a bra. so, i thought i’d pass this info along to you. and while she is a bit of a butter -face, her body is amazing. i guess she could wear an ape mask or something if you guys think she is too snaggle-toothed. ok, that’s all for now. fight the fight!
and by the way, her name is paulina, and she’ll be the first one to admit that she’s hook-nosed. so that’s why i don’t feel bad posting it on your site. fight the fight!!
I saw you guys play Arlene’s in NYC a couple months ago. I was so moved by your awsome display that I felt compelled to give Don my last joint (good shit too). At any rate, my question is simple: When is your next show in NYC? We can’t wait to go see you guys again and I’d rather not travel to New Jersey or crash a “private party”.
FtF!
~A New Fan
Is there any way I could get into your private parties? Like maybe if I bring a couple of hot blondes, or maybe some free drugs? Or some blondes who have drugs? Please let me know. You guys are the best!
Dear Mark,
YES!
Send us an e-mail at apefight@apefight.com
Fight the Fight!
how much weed can an apefight smoke if an apefight apefight cant smoke weed …….and whatever happened to the fifth beatle…..also is the light in my fridge always on…….
if I bring heroin and dirty used hepatitis infected needles for all to share can i come to the private partie……
Thank you Turbo!
First, Apefight can smoke weed…How much? More hen The Dead in 1973
As for the Fifth Beatle…pianist Billy Preston was the only artist to receive joint credit on a Beatles record, on “Get Back”. Preston also played the organ on “Let It Be” and the Rhodes electric piano on “Don’t Let Me Down”. Preston had been introduced to the Beatles during the early 1960s, but did not work with them until 1969, when Harrison invited him to join them for recording sessions in order to defuse tensions in the band. Lennon once suggested that Preston join the Beatles, but the idea was dismissed by the others. On the Let it Be album where Preston’s performances are used the song credits list “with Billy Preston,” clearly identifying him as separate from the main group, yet also giving him a level of individuality that separated him from studio session players. To distinguish him from the common level of controversy over who is the Fifth Beatle, he is sometimes given the unique title of the “Black Beatle”. He Died June 6, 2006 in Scottsdale, Arizona, USA
No the light goes out when you close the fridge
and yes if you bring dirty used hepatitis infected needles for all to share you can come to the private parties.
Thanks again Turbo…Hope you got all the info you wanted…Fight the Fight!!
i lost my bag of weed do you know where it is …..I’ve looked everywhere
this is better than asking my magic 8 ball…..glad you have such a wonderfull service
The light stays on sometimes in the fridge. I sleep in there most nights. so I know.. Apefight is the goods!
Who wrote the song “war” – good god y’all…? the temptations???? the four tops???? I know apefight will help me. Thanks! I fight the fight everyday!
That’s an easy one Slick Prick…”War” is a soul song written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong for the Motown label in 1969. Whitfield produced the song, a blatant anti-Vietnam War protest, with The Temptations as the original vocalists. After Motown began receiving repeated requests to release “War” as a single, Whitfield re-recorded the song with Edwin Starr as the vocalist, deciding to withhold the Temptations’ version so as not to alienate their more conservative fans. Starr’s version of “War” was a number-one hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1970, and is not only the most successful and well-known record of his career, but is also one of the most popular protest songs ever recorded. Its power was reasserted when Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band took their rendition into the Top 10 again in 1986.
I hope that is the answer you were looking for…Fight the Fight!
Thanks you guys! Fuck Dr. Phil and the internet, I’m coming here for all my knowledge from now on. Fight the fight forever!
Ape Fight definitely rules the universe and knows their shit, but please Slick Prick, come to me with any questions you have about soviet-made timepieces. I can get the really hard to find ones. Illegal ones too. And I only ask for a slight finder’s fee. Don’t tell russia though……….
Hi boys! I saw you at Craig’s party and thought you were amazing. Not to mention extremely sexy, especially in those sweatshirts and mr. gamble in his waist-up birthday suit. We gonna see the waist-down suit at the next show? I’d put my real name but my boyfriend would be pissed if he knew how wet you make me. See you soon!
i don’t know what “the piles” are,
but I’m pretty sure i got em.
what am I to do?
Wow…This is not good news for you…First read below and see if you have any of these classic Symptoms of Haemorrhoids(often known as Piles)
You may notice a pain or ache around the anus and lower bowel (rectum), which can be really quite severe.
There may be itching of the area.
There may be bleeding from the back passage. This will be bright red blood, not usually mixed in with the motion, but often seen on the toilet paper.
There is often a feeling of something coming down, or a bulge or lump at the anus.
If a haemorrhoid at the outside of the anus gets a blood clot in it (thrombosed external pile) it leads to a particularly tender, hardish lump.
I bet you got em…You have not made a good movie since Jerry Mcguire. This is the best advice I can offer…
Your doctor will ask a few questions and is likely to examine you and may want to feel inside the anus with a gloved finger. Sometimes he will look inside with a metal instrument. This enables him or her to confirm the diagnosis, and to rule out other, more serious problems such as cancer.
Treatment
It is usually best, with haemorrhoids, to get by with the least treatment possible, as even after the most extensive treatments they may still return.
Many times they will settle down over a matter of days without any treatment.
Cream or suppositories (bullet-shaped tablets to be inserted into the anus) may be bought over the counter, or your doctor may prescribe one. These soothe itching and pain, and cause swelling and bleeding to diminish.
Cold compresses, even ice can be helpful.
If you do not get better with these approaches, your doctor may ask a specialist to see you who may:
Put little rubber bands round the haemorrhoids, which will cause them to shrivel and wither away.
Inject a substance into the haemorrhoids which causes them to wither away (sclerotherapy).
Cut away the problem, usually under a general anaesthetic.
Prevention
Haemorrhoids are very common, and will occur anyway, but, as implied above, useful aspects of prevention are:
Avoid becoming overweight, and lose weight if you are.
Eat a high fibre diet.
Exercise regularly.
I hope this helps…I have a question…When you did “Radio” were you really retarded?
Fight the Fight!
wow…. the only thing i know about piles are the piles of ketchup and white castles that are in front of me everyday… fight the fight!
I hate Ape Fight.
How should I kill you?
Hmmm…I guess if you are asking…I would like it to start with forcing me to smoke a joint rolled with a half ounce of hindu kush or white widow then a tall glass of Irish whiskey, preferably Jameson…Then 11 beers…Miller High Life of course…The final step would be if you can get 8 or 9…22 to 25 year old girls to bang me to death…That would be good for me…Thanks for asking…if you could can you do it on a Monday morninbg or Sunday night? I don’t want to have to work all week.
PS…If that all seems crazy…just get us a huge record deal…and we will do it ourselves.
Thanks again Joe!
Fight the Fight!
Can you drink your body weight in beer?
Funny timing of this question…The quick answer is yes, but I only do it once a year…March 17th is like Christmas for the Irish…I start at around 9:30 in the morning and try and keep a pace of 5,6,8,9 beers an hour…I take breaks for corn beef and weed…Last year I drank my body weight in beer and a small kids weight in whiskey…This Saturday I am going for the hat trick and plan on adding some mushrooms…I’ll keep you posted Claus!
Thanks for the question!
Fight the Fight!
I like to smoke pot ..do you think little baby jesus is mad that I like smoking……..help I dont want to spend an eternity in hell…….
Turbo! Little Baby jesus “made” the pot you love to smoke! So spark up in the name of Lord…I’m Gonna…for God!!
Fight the Fight! Cheers Little Baby Jesus!
Thanks so very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative site. I have learned a lot from your site. Thanks!!!
http://thedrugmarket.com
“a friend of mine” told me about a beutifull woman he picked up in a bar who wanted to give him oral…..while receiving his blowjob he noticed that this woman had a 5 o’clock shadow….he freaked and split that scene……the question is is my friend now gay and should I worry about him pulling faggot moves on me ….not that there’s anything wrong with that…….
WoW! What a pickle(no pun intented) There is nothing wrong with being gay, but the big question is…how long did he let the “girl” blow him after he saw the beard?…If he freaked and stopped right away he is not gay…If he said fuck it and finished all over that 5 o’clock shadow maybe not gay, but you know he is ok with getting blown by a guy…I would try not to get too drunk with your “friend” without a very tight belt on or unless you are wearing a jump suit…Tell him not to feel bad…Every guy gets fooled into getting a blow job from a guy….In Hell!!! Haaa Haaaa!!!!
Fight the Fight!
When are you coming to the UK? The slutty stoner girls here have naught to do. Sad, isn’t it? The days of empire have been for nothing.
Jesus Fucking Christ, Where Is That Smell Comming From!?!?
Hey Jamie…few things in the world sound better then “slutty stoner girls that have naught to do” We will be over tomorrow around 11:30…Get lots of sleep tonight and roll 15 or 20 joints…See Ya Tomorrow!!
Fight the Fight!
Paul Schaffer’s Taylor…We don’t know Jesus Fucking Christ personally, but we sent him and e-mail and he said he is pretty sure it’s your balls. Work on that.
Fight the Fight!
ha!
ape fight funny!
I just heard you guys on Bubba the love sponge show, you guys kick ass!
Please write a song called “stealing grandpa’s pills”. That guy has some good shit. Not to mention, it will piss people off. I like that too.
-Z
I sold Ichiro meth.
i actually shit everytime bubba mentions you! on my floor!!! you are great!
I JUST JOINED A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM WILL I HAVE PROBLEMS FOLLOWING MY PROGRAM IF i COME TO YOUR SHOW………
Yes.
See you tomorrow!
Fight the Fight!
just make sure u bring baby jesus
Hi,
I’m new and I have a question – How many beans make 5?
14! Thanks Barry!
I HAVE A DILEMA……..I HAVE TO THROUGH A BACHELOR PARTIE AND THE GROOM IS BEING GAY AND JUST WANTS TO GET A LIMO AND HIT SOME BARS…i THINK I SHOULD HOODWINK HIM SAY THATS WHAT I’M DOING THEN THROUGH A BACHELOR PARTIE IN THE CLASSIC RANGE OF TOM HANKS…..MAYBE GET A SREAT BAND TO PLAY……IS THIS WRONG? WILL THE GROOM EVER FORGIVE ME? AND WILL THE WEDDING STILL OCCUR ? NEED YOUR ANSWER QUICK AS THIS IS ALL TO HAPPEN NEXT WEEK……..
No dilema at all…You should make him think it will be a super safe nice guys night out…Then bring him to the Spinning Wheel Motel in Jersey City…Drug him…Have 14 girls sign there names all over him…then! Bring him to Starlight Tattoo and have them tattoo all the names on him…His bride will love you for life…While he is passed out feel free to bang all 14 girls…That is what a best man would do…have a great time!
Fight the Fight!
YOU SURE ABOUT THIS I MEAN IT SOUNDS A LITTLE HARSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trust me. You are gonna save a life.
Steadying himself. Despite that shook her right thigh, sensuously enjoying the bed, beaches of cheyenne mp3 was.
I have a question too. when did puss fuck slut?
Right before Dick fucked ass…Dummy!
Fight the Fight!
Just an update …..I didnt get the names all signed on him but we did go out and 2 days later he developed a “cold sore”(we all know thats just another name for herpes)….needless to say they still got married but for some reason the bride was a little upset….whicg I dont understand, I mean i got him the gift that keeps on giving at his bachelor partie shouldnt everyone be happy that i care so much……….CONFUSED!!!!!
“Have 14 girls sign there names all over him…then! Bring him to Starlight Tattoo and have them tattoo all the names on him”
You did not take our advice and you see what happens!
You blew it! I’m glad you are not my best friend…I would be pissed too
Thanks for the update though!
FIGHT!
I got the rest your ali landry topless tongue into the.
Dear Klefasy,
Yes, I don’t know, No.
Don A
Dear Topless,
I hear you, brother.
Don A
Thanks for the CD Don Ape. 🙂 I LOVE IT!!! I have a couple questions>
Do you have any shows coming up?
Do you know where I can get a Real Mail order Bride?
What’s the significance of the cute little BEAVER?
Did you grow up near powerlines?
Thanks! Fight the Fight!
Dear Cindi,
LOVE scares us.
Now to your questions.
1. We are playing Feb 2nd at the Knitting Factory. If you want to be sure to see the show. Show up 15 minutes into the set. The place will be emptying out by then.
2. Cindi wants a bride. That is Marvelous! Take lots of pics.
3. What is the significance?!? Well, some would say that we WORSHIP cute little beavers. Why not?
4. No. But I did grow up near a child-molesting midget who played The Doors on eleven 24/7…
DON A
Dear Apefight, I wanted to know who mr. unnessisario was?
Thanks
Concerned in NJ.
Dear Concerned in NJ,
Thank you for your concern. Most people think that Ape Fight is as deep as spit on a rock, but we are in fact very deep… and heavy!
Mr. Unnessisario is in fact all of us. You, Me(not as much me), your mailman, boss at work…Mr. Unnessisario is all the dreamers that never leave the dock and claim to be a big game fisherman.
or
Mr. Unnessisario is the singer in that dick band that thought he was king shit to our fun little retard band.
I hope that clears it up for you.
Fight the Fight!!
the guy that usually sells me my crack got arrested…do any of you guys sell crack and can you please bring me 2 eight balls and a 40 oz…i will pay top dollar for this service….much thanks…..ps I will be at the show friday so bring the goods….little baby jesus says high……
Hello Turbo…We are gonna have to say no on this one…not because crack kills or any shit like that…We have a bigger problem…we play on Saturday.
So if you come on Saturday Feb. 2nd to the KNITTING FACTORY, 74 LEONARD STREET, NEW YORK, NY 10013 * 212-219-3132
http://www.knittingfactory.com/
We can get you 2 beers, 3 shots and all the one hitters you can handle.
Say no to crack.
Fight the Fight!!
Dearest Ape Fight,
When is your next show? My boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary by watching your show at the Clash Bar around this time last year. We loved the show and were impressed by your PowerPoint presentation skills.
will there be green beer…………….
He was bought by shakira interclimax his 12 yr oldsister. Well, or her own. After the.
Who does your guys’ laundry? Im having a rough time finding someone who is gentle enough cleaning my mask and my pantyhoes that I wear on my head. Also I am traveling to Beijing in the near future… Can any of you reccomend a good chinese take out place there? Im pretty sure you guys have toured there.
Waiting and wondering….
Grape Ape
Hey Grape!
When it come to stockings and masks we always “hand wash” only…These are more important then good songs to us…BUT!
If you need a real good place try
“Tumble Wash & Dry Laundromat” it’s at 1147 Summit Ave
Jersey City (201) 653-7003 This laundry mat is very clean, updated , and never has a wait- for -a -machine- time.
No place to park though! It’s Jersey City!
Chuck Steak told me Dong Lai Shun 東來順王府井大街新東安商場5樓
He said “This is the number one yummy authentic Chinese food in Beijing.” It’s at 5th floor, New Dong’an Mansion, Wang Fu Jing Street Phone: 010-65280932 / 010-65280501
He also said “Be sure to try Dong Lai Shun’s mutton it’s hand-sliced into very thin pieces to ensure short cooking time. Dip it into the boil water, shake a little bit and watch for the colour change. It could be eaten almost instantly. Other than lamb, you could order some other dishes, don’t forget vegetables!”
I hope that helps…Thanks for reaching out to your friends.
Mr. Gamble
Ape Fight
Is M1 still a Nationally Ranked Stickball player? I can remember him back in the day at Stony Lane School tearing it up hitting while at the same time playing Portrait of Tracy by Jaco on his bass! I am retired from stickball after a severe head injury I sustained, when we had run out of balls to play with we were pitching toasters instead, and I was beaned in the eye.
do i need to bring my swimmies to the boat bash!!!!!!!!!
if by swimmies you mean big boobed party sluts and a half pound of hindu kush…yes!!
FtF!!
not so much a question but praise….i picked up the remix and now i cant do nothing but listen to it over and over….i havent gone to work since i got it……damn you apefight dam you………
Hot Asian Sluts?
Sure JoJo…We love them too!
I recently watched a video of you commenting on Chuck Norris (I laugh so hard I cry every time I see it)…What would be Chuck Norris’ favorite Ape song?
Congrats on Gonzo!
What else? “Kick in the Nuts”
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
Fight the Fight!
Whens the next show?
i want the accapella vocals for …you think we suck….i was able to play it the other day and now i cant…..why is that…..now i cant sleep at night
Great job!
What’s the best actionfigure to stuff your butthole with for relaxing purpose, while watching snooker championship on tv?
We stick with the classics. GI Joe. He’s the original.
We do love watching Snooker. Ever since her and JWow got their own show. Incredible. She’s a Jersey Gem!
Thanks for the question!
PS. Check out some music from Dave.
where can I get ape fight shirt and hoodies?